Staring at the walls of this prison, looking at the bars that have held me hostage for a long time. I watched seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, and weeks turn to months. Locked inside a room with no hope of freedom. In some of my bad days, I have felt the worst days of my life, I have been crushed, I have felt hopelessness, I have felt suicidal in some days in this box.
I remember the feeling of freedom that I never valued. I remember doing anything I wanted, walking anywhere I wanted, how I would sacrifice everything just to get back this thing I miss, the most. How funny life is, we never really know what we have until we lost it. How often did my mother repeat these words, but it is now that I truly understood these wordings? Somehow in this prison I became wiser, I could see things I never valued but were the most important things in life.
A prisoner for life is what I became, I will never feel the free air caress my skin, I shall never behold my loved ones and show them how much I do care, I shall never do what I like. My actions and thoughts became bound. This iron bars and walls of this prison held me back from the desires and cravings of my heart.
How I wanted to be close to my lover, how I longed to kiss her lips once more if ever she gave me a chance? How I would go to the ends of the world to make things right by myself and the people I love. Even now she has left me, I won’t mind pledging my life even as a slave until she could feel my repentant heart. In this prison of my life, I have learnt one thing, that all we have on earth is time, and that we must use it well.
All I treasure now are memories and fantasies I have of her. my best moments were only in the cold night when she came to me in my dreams, or the daytime fantasies I had. I closed my eyes to see her smile, as she holds me in an embrace, and the best part was when she came in her nakedness. The prison warden always seemed to awaken me into a reality I hated the most. How often I had thought of strangulating this warden who had so much joy in seeing me infuriated by simply waking me into a world I hated. I prayed and waited for her all day long, and in some days she never came. All that mattered to me was that interlude of ecstasy with my love.
My life, my world, who will set me free from this shackles I have been bound?
LETTER TO MY BELOVED
Reminiscing on my journey to this sad, dejected state I found myself. I remember when you said: you will always be there for me, but when the time came you were missing in action (MIA). She promised love and now all I see is everything but love. She was the only thing that filled this lonely gap in my heart.
Here, I am a lone man, with no money, no fame, and most importantly no one to call mine. She was the fame I knew, the money I never had and the love I could kill for. I spent days mourning her absence in my life. Even when she gave me signs that she will leave me, I still clung to the hope that she will judge me by my devotions to her and my naked, lonely and vulnerable heart. For she was all I had, in this loveless and joyless life.
Even though I pretended that all was well, within me I was living between the line of sanity and insanity. Sometimes, I broke down in the dead of the night, when the pillow still smelt of her fragrance, when the bedcover, still smelt of her perfume. At such nights, the tears in my eyes, like a waterfall, fell without control, the pain in my heart seemed to drill a hole through my heart, when I awoke to the rays of the sun, I wished I were dead. This lover I had given the keys to my life, this lady I once knew as an angel, this thing called love I once felt for you, this agent that swept every rudiment of my life can kill me. I feel blood in my bleeding heart, I stopped crying because I know tears finished in my eyes.
I had made her the pillar of my happiness and now that my pillar is gone, I will forever carry this scar that she left me with. They say time heals all wound, but I doubt it could heal mine but each passing day I must learn to live with my wound. I must forever carry this scar in my heart. For even after some years has gone by, there yet still is a pain that never died, the tears that never dried, the broken heart that never healed, the heart that still bleeds, all because of you.
As I sat down on my bed, staring at him at the other end of the room. I felt uncomfortable for the words spoken in our silence. I felt like asking him, why are you doing this? At still the same time I felt I didn’t have the right to ask such a question. I just closed my mouth and pretended that nothing was happening, but still the jealousy I felt in my veins was raw and rough. Because I knew he had a serous girl, and yet he wanted to be a joy killer for me.
I had a thing for her, with a smile that melted my heart, with the way she talked, like she was singing an enchanting song to hypnotised me. I fell for her very easily the very first time, that my eyes beheld her. The only problem was my player best friend had a thing for her too. Even when he had a collection of girls but yet his eyes were on her. I felt anger and frustration knowing that I will fight for her from a more sophisticated friend of mine.
That day, I had come to school, with my good mind, but she had corrupted it when I stared at them in their intimate conversation. I felt frustration, and jealousy grip my throat and try to choke the life out of my lungs. The way she laughed at his useless jokes, the body chemistry she shone gave me difficult to breath, and immediately I walked away without them seeing me.
If only she could see this heart, if only she could understand this craving I had for her, or the sleepless night she gave me. But she never did, for his seductive words and promises blinded her to a true heart. the line between my best friend and a lover.
At a time, I decided I was not going to just let him win without a fight, I concluded to fight for her. I felt, more uncomfortable with him, but he seemed to relish in my state. He seemed so immune to my suffering even when he saw it all glaringly. It was like a war between two brothers (Iraq and Iran) the more I tried, the more I became disappointed because each moment I saw the both of them together, it seemed as if though all my bridges I tried to build, came crashing at my feet. Times and times again, the have put my vices to the test as even when I tried to disappear from their presence, they seem to chase me into my hideout. I could not go any further, as I gave up this fight.
With a defeated and lonely heart, with a shade on to cover my eyes, with jealousy in my blood, my best friend at stake and the girl of my heart, I walked away never to look back.